[ed335d]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits..

[beemerbird]

The penultimate one made me spit my coffee out!!

Very good.

[RCUK]

A lot of those are from Tim Vine - im not a huge fan of his, but some of his one liners are killers!

[Geoffo]