[mcscoobs]

Firstly, apologies for the vent!!

I have 3 boys - 2, 4 and 10, of which I have every alternate weekend plus any additional time in holidays etc. Due to have them this weekend. My eldest is moving house, so he's not around this weekend, I just have my 2 youngest.

However, last week, I broke my finger playing football. Been assessed a few times and the hospital have said I require surgery, either to wire it up or insert metal screws. This is happening tomorrow, They've said I'll be in a cast for approximately a week (I don't know how big the cast will be) and I can't drive for 6 weeks as i'll be uninsured. Broken finger is on my right hand and I'm right handed, because of course.

I've told my ex that I can't have the boys this weekend, as I won't be able to take them anywhere, cook properly, bath them, catch them if they fall etc. Plus I've no idea how much pain/discomfort i'll still be in so soon after surgery. As far as I'm concerned, it's not in the boys interests or well being, them being with me this weekend. My ex's attitude is "it's only a finger, deal with it".

The ex has said she has theatre tickets and a hotel booked saturday night with a mate and is watching the football with her new fella on Sunday, so no, she's refusing to cancel and is adamant she's dropping the kids off to me 9am Saturday morning, no matter what I say. As it stands, i'll be over my girlfriends from when she collects me from hospital for a few days, and she lives in a different County to me (I'm in Hertfordshire, partner is in Buckinghamshire).

Just for some clarity, Throughout May and June, i'll have had them for 6 weekends out of 7, as she's always looking to offload them now she has a new fella and lockdown has ended. I've told her I won't be home anyway, she said she doesn't care, she will make the journey anyway, and if I'm not in, will drop them to my grandparents, she doesn't care.

I don't think i'm being unreasonable (maybe I am?), but i'm just frustrated that she's putting her social life above the kids. As a parent, I understand that sometimes, sh*t happens and plans change. I didn't exactly plan to break my finger... The thought of those boys being disappointed and let down if she makes that journey regardless just kills me.

My concern is that we have a court order which states alternate weekends, so don't want this to come back on me in anyway?

Vent over!

[isleaiw1]

My son in law has an (almost) 15 year old from a previous relationship. His ex has used the child as a pawn forever it seems and is completely the opposite now, he isnt allowed to see him as he committed the heinous crime of introducing him to his new half brother 4 years ago. He'd love your problem...

I had a cast on my finger when I dislocated it, was next to nothing and did next to no use. However they are right you arent insured to drive when wearing the cast... you can guess what I did....

In my position I'd get myself back home, somehow.... no baths, no cooking, just takeaways and a great weekend at Dads playing in the park, assuming its walkable, or on tablets or whatever.... as many E numbers as you can cram in them on Sunday and the best treats you can manage - then hand them back to their Mum when fully charged

oh and tell her you are bringing your partner to help look after them, that should really change her mind based on previous experience. My ex had two kids that still needed running around, easiest way to get the Dad to volunteer was tell him I was doing it!

[rokut]

Sorry to read this - what a PITA situation! I don't have much to add apart from making sure you get this noted down somewhere so you have it 'just in case' in the future.

A diary of when you've been looking after the boys - dates, who's picked them up/ dropped them off, the extra days/ weekends you have volunteered to help smooth things over (or give your ex what she wanted). I think it would do no harm to have that down so you can look back at it with less emotion in the future and of course 'other parties' can be more easily brought up to speed if it were to go down that route.

Away from that, I agree with Ian, if you can do this weekend still, and feel they are safe around you then I would do what you can and just spend some time. Even if its not doing all that much, those little guys will no doubt love spending time with you

[AyrshireColin]

I'll grab my tin hat.....

Man up and see your kids!

The main concerns you state:
Can't take them anywhere - so what.
Can't cook properly - are you not planning on eating? Double up on whatever your doing, move your girlfriend into yours, do anything...nobody is going to go hungry!
Can't bath them - how are you planning on washing yourself? Just keep your finger dry.
Can't catch them if you fall - it's your finger.

I know you won't appreciate the comment but I can see why your ex. is having the attitude of 'it's only a finger, deal with it'.

Bend over backwards, see your kids and take the moral high ground. Don't get involved in tit for tat and try reasoning, by the sounds of it you won't get there with your ex. What's the point?

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by AyrshireColin

I'll grab my tin hat.....

Man up and see your kids!

The main concerns you state:
Can't take them anywhere - so what.
Can't cook properly - are you not planning on eating? Double up on whatever your doing, move your girlfriend into yours, do anything...nobody is going to go hungry!
Can't bath them - how are you planning on washing yourself? Just keep your finger dry.
Can't catch them if you fall - it's your finger.

I know you won't appreciate the comment but I can see why your ex. is having the attitude of 'it's only a finger, deal with it'.

Bend over backwards, see your kids and take the moral high ground. Don't get involved in tit for tat and try reasoning, by the sounds of it you won't get there with your ex. What's the point?

Oh I don't disagree. I suppose my issue is that where I've had them 6/7 weekends, I thought that by asking for a "favour" whilst I recover, wouldn't be too much to ask, bearing in mind i've done her favour after favour. Especially when she's asked me to take them off her as she couldn't cope recently. It's not that I don't want them, quite the opposite, just didn't think it would be fair, especially when it's so simple to just switch weekends....

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by isleaiw1

My son in law has an (almost) 15 year old from a previous relationship. His ex has used the child as a pawn forever it seems and is completely the opposite now, he isnt allowed to see him as he committed the heinous crime of introducing him to his new half brother 4 years ago. He'd love your problem...

I had a cast on my finger when I dislocated it, was next to nothing and did next to no use. However they are right you arent insured to drive when wearing the cast... you can guess what I did....

In my position I'd get myself back home, somehow.... no baths, no cooking, just takeaways and a great weekend at Dads playing in the park, assuming its walkable, or on tablets or whatever.... as many E numbers as you can cram in them on Sunday and the best treats you can manage - then hand them back to their Mum when fully charged

oh and tell her you are bringing your partner to help look after them, that should really change her mind based on previous experience. My ex had two kids that still needed running around, easiest way to get the Dad to volunteer was tell him I was doing it!

Surgeon told me my cast would be my whole hand for a week and then they change it to a lighter dressing after that? My partner will be with me if I am able to go home, but she has 2 kids of her own the same age, and a dog, so there'll be a lot for her to handle, and it's just not fair. That being said, I'd much rather have them than not, just a real PITA!

[winther1]

If I was unable to take kids on the agreed weekend, my ex would ask me to pay for a nanny. In fact, I've done that on numerous occasions - more than once, she took the money and stayed at home with kids

[SuperHamz]

Sorry to hear this, I'm currently in the middle of separating from my wife and she is making it almost impossible for me to function properly.

Originally Posted by AyrshireColin

I'll grab my tin hat.....

Man up and see your kids!

The main concerns you state:
Can't take them anywhere - so what.
Can't cook properly - are you not planning on eating? Double up on whatever your doing, move your girlfriend into yours, do anything...nobody is going to go hungry!
Can't bath them - how are you planning on washing yourself? Just keep your finger dry.
Can't catch them if you fall - it's your finger.

I know you won't appreciate the comment but I can see why your ex. is having the attitude of 'it's only a finger, deal with it'.

Bend over backwards, see your kids and take the moral high ground. Don't get involved in tit for tat and try reasoning, by the sounds of it you won't get there with your ex. What's the point?

While I get your harsh message, it's not easy when you're in a situation where your other half holds all of the cards. It seems like she's taking the piss as he's had the kids 6 out of 7 weekends when the court order states it's every other weekend, so in his time of need, she needs to "woman" up and take care of the children.

It's too simplistic to say "man up and see your kids" when the relationships are far more complicated than that. Plus a 2 and a 4 year old will need a lot of entertaining and can't really survive on take away meals all weekend.

"Man up" is one of the worst phrases that people ever say, pisses me right off, it's not un-manly to look after yourself, so that you can look after your family.

[2CRO4TV]

Still with my mrs but my 2pence is have the lads. They will look after you and takeaway will take care of the food situation. Don't get involved in the tit for tat it's really not worth it and anyone expecting a woman to be reasonable in time of need is crazy. They are from a different planet.

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by SuperHamz

Sorry to hear this, I'm currently in the middle of separating from my wife and she is making it almost impossible for me to function properly.



While I get your harsh message, it's not easy when you're in a situation where your other half holds all of the cards. It seems like she's taking the piss as he's had the kids 6 out of 7 weekends when the court order states it's every other weekend, so in his time of need, she needs to "woman" up and take care of the children.

It's too simplistic to say "man up and see your kids" when the relationships are far more complicated than that. Plus a 2 and a 4 year old will need a lot of entertaining and can't really survive on take away meals all weekend.

"Man up" is one of the worst phrases that people ever say, pisses me right off, it's not un-manly to look after yourself, so that you can look after your family.

This is my frustration. When she's been in need and asked me to have the boys on her weekend, I've not hesitated. When the tables are turned, she's nowhere to be seen... My youngest is constantly asking to be picked up and wants cuddles. I'm just frustrated and p*ssed off at the situation. Especially as she has the choice of cancelling plans but is choosing not to, because it's my weekend... ignoring how many weekends of hers I've had them already last month, where I had to cancel plans...

[winther1]

Originally Posted by mcscoobs

This is my frustration. When she's been in need and asked me to have the boys on her weekend, I've not hesitated. When the tables are turned, she's nowhere to be seen... My youngest is constantly asking to be picked up and wants cuddles. I'm just frustrated and p*ssed off at the situation. Especially as she has the choice of cancelling plans but is choosing not to, because it's my weekend... ignoring how many weekends of hers I've had them already last month, where I had to cancel plans...

Women often feel like victims in case of a divorce, and it turns them into bitter, vile human beings. They think they are suffering because they have to look after kids most days, but never seem to understand the suffering of not seeing the kids. Our divorce was a mutual agreement - no cheating or major drama. And yet - it has been all-out revenge from her side for 3 years and counting. To the point where she (and her mother) attempts to brainwash kids into hating me (ie, daughter asking "why did you want me to die when I was born?" - she has a heart disease). Our bond is too strong though, but utterly bizarre that some mothers become so self-obsessed and blinded by hate, that they forget the well-being of the kids.

Back on topic - although she has her own kids, can't your partner help out as a one-off? Or some family members?

[SuperHamz]

Originally Posted by mcscoobs

This is my frustration. When she's been in need and asked me to have the boys on her weekend, I've not hesitated. When the tables are turned, she's nowhere to be seen... My youngest is constantly asking to be picked up and wants cuddles. I'm just frustrated and p*ssed off at the situation. Especially as she has the choice of cancelling plans but is choosing not to, because it's my weekend... ignoring how many weekends of hers I've had them already last month, where I had to cancel plans...

Unfortunately, from my experience, she has the control and uses the kids as an excuse to get me to "fall into line" and the moment I set boundaries, she doubles/trebles down.

Originally Posted by winther1

Women often feel like victims in case of a divorce, and it turns them into bitter, vile human beings. They think they are suffering because they have to look after kids most days, but never seem to understand the suffering of not seeing the kids. Our divorce was a mutual agreement - no cheating or major drama. And yet - it has been all-out revenge from her side for 3 years and counting. To the point where she (and her mother) attempts to brainwash kids into hating me (ie, daughter asking "why did you want me to die when I was born?" - she has a heart disease). Our bond is too strong though, but utterly bizarre that some mothers become so self-obsessed and blinded by hate, that they forget the well-being of the kids.

Back on topic - although she has her own kids, can't your partner help out as a one-off? Or some family members?

The bit about your daughter attempted to being brainwashed is heartbreaking especially with what she has.

I will say one thing, the pain/awkwardness you'll go through is going to be far less than the fact that your kids are seeing you a lot more and it'll only be a matter of time when they see their mother for what she is.

[winther1]

Originally Posted by SuperHamz

I will say one thing, the pain/awkwardness you'll go through is going to be far less than the fact that your kids are seeing you a lot more and it'll only be a matter of time when they see their mother for what she is.

Hence why I'm keeping a log of all the crazy whatsapp messages, conversations with kids recorded on the dashcam in the car etc..

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by winther1

Women often feel like victims in case of a divorce, and it turns them into bitter, vile human beings. They think they are suffering because they have to look after kids most days, but never seem to understand the suffering of not seeing the kids. Our divorce was a mutual agreement - no cheating or major drama. And yet - it has been all-out revenge from her side for 3 years and counting. To the point where she (and her mother) attempts to brainwash kids into hating me (ie, daughter asking "why did you want me to die when I was born?" - she has a heart disease). Our bond is too strong though, but utterly bizarre that some mothers become so self-obsessed and blinded by hate, that they forget the well-being of the kids.

Back on topic - although she has her own kids, can't your partner help out as a one-off? Or some family members?

Wow, its crazy to hear how many other guys have been on the receiving end of craziness after a divorce too, seems way too common. Yes, my partner can help, it seems like we don't have a choice to be honest. Frustrating that there's so many people out there that want kids, but can't. Then you've got mothers like my ex, who would much rather go out every single weekend than to have the kids. If I offered to have them every single weekend, she'd snap my hand off.

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by SuperHamz

Unfortunately, from my experience, she has the control and uses the kids as an excuse to get me to "fall into line" and the moment I set boundaries, she doubles/trebles down.

It's very much "do as I say" not "do as I do" when it comes to her...

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by winther1

Women often feel like victims in case of a divorce, and it turns them into bitter, vile human beings. They think they are suffering because they have to look after kids most days, but never seem to understand the suffering of not seeing the kids. Our divorce was a mutual agreement - no cheating or major drama. And yet - it has been all-out revenge from her side for 3 years and counting. To the point where she (and her mother) attempts to brainwash kids into hating me (ie, daughter asking "why did you want me to die when I was born?" - she has a heart disease). Our bond is too strong though, but utterly bizarre that some mothers become so self-obsessed and blinded by hate, that they forget the well-being of the kids.

Back on topic - although she has her own kids, can't your partner help out as a one-off? Or some family members?

Never been divorced but I think the fact that people put themselves above the kids is the bit I find hard to understand, they didnt ask to be born, they didnt ask for their parents to separate, yet they are often the ones in the middle being talked at about the other parents faults, used as footballs in the relationship etc.

Kids first, all else second has always been my motto. Still is, I've just extended it to grandkids, cut the grass in my lunchhour so they can play on it after school and nursery, the 18 month old cant hit the golf ball if the grass is too long ....

To all going through it, sorry for your challenges, unfortunately life throws shit balls some times and you just have to catch them....

[SuperHamz]

I don't think any parents don't think that kids shouldn't come first, but in order to give kids the best, you sometimes have to look after yourself - part of that for me is to make sure my work isn't being negatively affected, which it was until I moved out.

[Lynxi2k]

Without knowing either of you or the relationship it's hard get an perspective, but I guess you were ranting rather than looking for answers.

Judging by your post it seems she has the kids all week and every other weekend, seems fair and reasonable that she would have plans and not want to cancel on the count of your finger. Plus following lockdowns etc(not sure what that arrangement looked like) probably a bit stir crazy too.

Taking the emotion of a new partner out of the equation does it seem more reasonable?

Either way I hope you work it out, and put the kids ahead of an petty disagreements. Get some support from Nan and Grandad and see your kids. Coming from this as a child in a similar situation I can say you would rather have them no matter what. Missed weekends can add up and then you can quickly lose touch with your kids as they get used to not seeing you.

It might be more difficult with one hand, but kids are generally caring and will want to take care of you, plus if they get to play with Nan & Grandad too, great. Nice weather, have a BBQ have people round, make it a party. Put your hand in a plastic bag if needs be!

Good luck.

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by SuperHamz

I don't think any parents don't think that kids shouldn't come first, but in order to give kids the best, you sometimes have to look after yourself - part of that for me is to make sure my work isn't being negatively affected, which it was until I moved out.

Oh I think many forget that the kids should come first when they are points scoring off the ex and forget what is really important.

But yes, you do need to look after yourself, and work is putting the kids first, their life suffers if you dont have a job!

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by Lynxi2k

Without knowing either of you or the relationship it's hard get an perspective, but I guess you were ranting rather than looking for answers.

Judging by your post it seems she has the kids all week and every other weekend, seems fair and reasonable that she would have plans and not want to cancel on the count of your finger. Plus following lockdowns etc(not sure what that arrangement looked like) probably a bit stir crazy too.

Taking the emotion of a new partner out of the equation does it seem more reasonable?

Either way I hope you work it out, and put the kids ahead of an petty disagreements. Get some support from Nan and Grandad and see your kids. Coming from this as a child in a similar situation I can say you would rather have them no matter what. Missed weekends can add up and then you can quickly lose touch with your kids as they get used to not seeing you.

It might be more difficult with one hand, but kids are generally caring and will want to take care of you, plus if they get to play with Nan & Grandad too, great. Nice weather, have a BBQ have people round, make it a party. Put your hand in a plastic bag if needs be!

Good luck.

I think the frustration comes because I'll have had them 6 weekends out of 7. She farms the kids to nursery for 11 hours a day in the week (even did this during lockdown whilst furloughed!). She doesn't need to feed them in the week as they have their 3 square meals at nursery. in the week she drops them to nursery, collects them, baths them, puts them to bed, and thats it. Then her weekends, she tries to palm them off to me or her family, so she can go out.

Reading that back actually, I don't even know why I bothered trying to reason with her, the answer was staring me in the face...

[Wills2]

These things are never easy, but I do think you can handle this if you plan it, but at 2 and 4 I'm sure they are a handful at that age especially 2.

But if you can I'd lean on/ask for help from friends and family/partner and don't let your ex get to you (easier said than done I'm sure)

[Rbrown]

Sounds like you are having a tough time.

Can't comment on the child care problems, but do have experience of hand surgery.

I have had quite a few operations on my hand. Depends on the scale of the operation that is required, but, you may find it puts you out of action for a few days and it may be sore.

But hope that your op is straightforward and not too much meccano is required!

Good luck...I will keep my fingers crossed (no pun intended).