12-15-2020, 11:15 AM | #7415 | |
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12-15-2020, 12:56 PM | #7416 | ||
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Was it something like this? Chalking it up to interpersonal differences at the moment. I wonder what she has going on in her life unless these are true colors. How long have you known her or be courting? |
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12-15-2020, 01:17 PM | #7417 | |
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Me: Would you like to come stay the night? Her: I can't sorry. Me: Tomorrow? Her: Do you want to come stay here? Me: Sure, if that's what I have to do to see you, then yes. Me on Monday after her pissing me off: I won't be coming over tonight, don't want to make things worse. I ended up going to her house just to see her and not stay the night. Before I left, I asked if she was interested in coming to stay with me Tuesday. Because I didn't stay the night Monday, she instantly refuses. I asked her just to let me know when she might have time to see me to let me know. Armageddon ensued after. I've known her for 20 years. She was the hot friend of the first wife, that I secretly wanted to bang back then; apparently it was the same on her end. 20 years later and divorces all around, I asked her on a date, we were naked 2 hours later and have been for the last 4 1/2 years. Everything has been great up until a few months ago. Maybe one argument a month for the last 3 months, so still nothing major, but they are getting more intense and she is getting more aggressive for whatever reason. |
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12-15-2020, 02:07 PM | #7418 | |
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12-15-2020, 02:15 PM | #7419 | |
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I was being tongue in cheek there as it is no doubt what the girl would like to hear. I doubt you are an asshole based only on your posts which in and of themselves is really not proof either way...just an indication. But they are the only things I have to go on. |
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12-15-2020, 02:17 PM | #7420 | ||
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12-15-2020, 02:27 PM | #7421 | |
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I'm reflecting back on an uncomfortable exchange with my previous girlfriend, where she said something hurtful and perplexing completely out of left field that I needed a little time to process. About a half-hour later she said "Hey, you've been quiet...is everything okay?" At which point the conversation commenced, regarding what she'd said. I didn't want to over-react in the moment that the hurtful words tumbled out of her mouth, and say anything that I couldn't take back. We had a conversation then, wherein I described what had offended me and she offered her customary non-apology ("I totally disavow any responsibility for anything that I said that offended you; but I'm definitely sorry for having to have this uncomfortable conversation where you call me out on what I said and how it pissed you off.").
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12-15-2020, 02:36 PM | #7422 | |
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12-15-2020, 02:54 PM | #7423 | |
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I intended it to be humourous and it is clear that either my choice of wording or the subject matter itself was poorly chosen. For the offense conveyed, I apologize, as it was not my intention and hopefully I will craft responses better in the future. |
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12-15-2020, 03:10 PM | #7424 |
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I've ran the gambit of asking questions of "What can I do?", "Is there something I'm missing?" etc. As of now, I've played all the concerned boyfriend cards that I'm going to play. I've learned in past relationships that humility and vulnerability are important, but going full retard will get you viewed as weak and then everything changes. Being a man is synonymous with being an asshole, regardless of whether or not we are indeed assholes. I love her and I know that she loves me. I honestly think that she is worried about the depth of our relationship and she is concerned about getting hurt by me. I'm a different man now, but herein lies roughly 338 pages of exactly why she should be concerned about being hurt by me. I've had quite the past with the ladies, however; my mindset is different these days. I'm only concerned with her and what she needs from me. I'm sure things will get better soon. It's Christmas, she has three kids, she just got a promotion at work and is currently training for her new position (which has her stressed), her mom is driving her insane and her ex-husband is nothing shy of a 40 year child, who goes out of his way to make her life harder than it needs to be due to his own insecurities.
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12-15-2020, 03:21 PM | #7426 |
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The magic words: I'm not like that baby I'm different.
Or: I'm not going anywhere. As for these 338 pages and counting. There are many dicks out there in the world and you don't sound like the cactus! I reckon this has been a useful thread to many whether they own up or not. People sometimes get hurt in love but you gotta try. What if she doesn't get hurt. What if it's all wine and roses. Any time you have a crappy thought find the opposite. If it's meant to be it will be. |
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12-15-2020, 08:17 PM | #7427 | |
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But recognize that there's a difference between accepting your contribution to "the shit" and accepting sole or primary blame for "the shit" because the other person isn't ready to own their share of it. And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.
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12-15-2020, 09:58 PM | #7428 | |
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King Rudi it sounds like she has some buried shit she's never dealt with and the stress you mentioned has possibly exacerbated it. Also, it's not of any help that she can't recognize and own it. You can't make anyone happy until they deal with whatever they are wrestling with inside. I think at this point it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to ride that train. The one thing you shouldn't do is concede to her inability to own her shit. Her actions will continue and you will just end up on a hamster wheel of fights that are truly a waste of time. |
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12-15-2020, 11:34 PM | #7429 | |
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Thanks to all my mental health issues, I have such a bad memory that many chunks of my past are gone and if my wife has done anything really that bad I have no recollection of it. I'm sure she appreciates this. |
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12-16-2020, 01:48 AM | #7430 |
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What would lups do. Lups the kingdom of our king appears to be under attack. Should he draw the bridge and add more alligators to the moat. |
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12-16-2020, 06:28 AM | #7431 |
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I am an asshole.
Seriously though, I hope things get better. |
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12-16-2020, 06:29 AM | #7432 |
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12-16-2020, 06:51 AM | #7433 | |
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I'm betting it's not "nothing" to her. |
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12-16-2020, 08:25 AM | #7434 | ||||||
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As for the acceptance of and primary blame of "the shit", this is the battle that we have been fighting. She was displaying no signs of empathy. She was upset about how she feels, but couldn't see mine. This was a struggle. I feel like I finally succeeded here as she gave me a genuine, heart-felt apology last night. Progression was made. Thank you for the advice! Quote:
I think that working on, whatever she has suppressed, together will create more trust between the two of us and allow her to become more open/vulnerable. If this doesn't change, regardless of anything else that are positives in our relationship, I'll have to walk away. I'm a catch, not a convenience. I'm also not conceited, I just know my value/worth. Thank you Rebekah. Quote:
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Thank you good sir. She admitted to how stupid the entire situation was. What made her upset, aside from whatever insecurity that she has suppressed (if we're being real here), was my reaction to her not being forthcoming with information that could be detrimental to our relationship. That was, in fact, something to her. In her defense, she isn't wrong. I'm a scorpio and we aren't known for being easy people to deal with, once we feel like we've been slighted. She is justified in her feelings based off how I reacted, yet; my reaction was completely justified based off her withholding of information......or so I feel. In closing, thank you to all for replying. I greatly appreciate it. As of last night, make up sex has ensued.....and not that vanilla shit either. We have reached an acceptable outlet to vent frustrations that is mutually agreed upon by both parties.
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12-16-2020, 08:49 AM | #7435 |
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Used to work at a BMW dealer and every Friday we (me, mechanics & service advisors) would hit this strip club for happy hour. I fell for a shot girl and we started hanging out. My friend & a few techs were going to the Bahamas for a trip and she was super interested in details b/c she had never been out of the US. I offered to loan her the money as it was a week away. We went and she ended up snorting lines all weekend with one of the other girls and I never even got to touch her tiddies. I never asked for my money nor called her again. Good: Just got out of a 4 yr relationship and had to travel to Vegas for a BMW conference. My first trip to Vegas and I was mentally a wreck. A friend told me the hot clubs but I had no desire to go out. As we landed (at night) I immediately got wood seeing all the lights and glitz, instantly forgetting about my ex. We checked in to the Venettian, changed and immediately hit the strip. Rolled into Rum Jungle about midnight and after 6 Long Islands started chatting with some girl. got her number and asked her to dinner the next night and the night after. We stayed at Studio 54 until 3am and she hopped a flight at 5am home. We talked for a month and I had to see her again. We met again in Miami for a vacation and months later she moved to NJ with me. We got married in 2007 and have been together 16yrs (left a lot out b/c no one reads long stories) |
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12-16-2020, 09:00 AM | #7436 | |
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